Bedside Waiting
by anotherweasley
Summary: Doggett's thoughts as he waits by Monica's bed in "Audrey Pauley."


Bedside Waiting  
By: Olivia  
  
I brush her hair gently out of her eyes. I put the palm of my hand on her cheek. It's warm. She's warm. There's life in her yet. That spark, that spark that makes Monica Monica is still there. She's still there.  
  
Not like my son. When we found him, when Monica and I found him, he was as cold, cold as any stone. His light was gone. All that remained was his body, an empty shell devoid of light and life. I would never see him smile or hear his laughter again. There was nothin' left, nothin' except my grief, my anger.  
  
So I can't convince myself that Monica is gone. Her heart is beatin'. She's breathin'. There's got to be hope. There's got to be hope that soon her eyes will flutter open and I'll be here waitin' for her as she has always waited for me. She'll smile up at me and we'll eventually look back and laugh at all this. We'll laugh away the fear that grips my heart and twists my stomach, the fear that I will have to go on livin' without her.  
  
Cause ya see I've been a different person since she came into my life. I was angry with God and myself for allowin' this to happen to my son. And yet I think God took pity on me. He put Monica in my life to help me through that dark time when all that kept me livin' was the thought of findin' the monster that killed my little boy. She was a ray of light in my dark despair. Just her very presence comforted me. She reminded me that there are good people in the world.  
  
Which is why I wonder for the millionth time why bad things happen to good people. Monica joined the FBI because she wanted to help people, to protect them. She wanted to see justice done and put criminals away. And how is she repaid? Some drunk slams into her car. A horrible accident that could have been avoided had the man simply taken a cab home. My anger begins to rise at the meaningless of it all. I'd be out puttin' a beat down on this guy if it wasn't more important to be here, if Monica didn't need me here now. Cause it there's one thing I've learned from Luke's death it's how important it is to treasure the time we have with those we love, cause you never know when they might be taken away suddenly.  
  
So I'm kickin' myself at all the things I should have told Monica. I had the chance to in that car and I didn't take the chance. I let the moment slip by and now it will never come again. She's always loved me. I've always known this. But I've ignored it. Thought maybe it would go away when she realized what a broken man I am. The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of disappointin' her the way I always seem to be disappointin' others and myself. I couldn't save Luke. I couldn't save my marriage with Barbara.  
  
How do I explain to Monica by inability to move past my son's death? How do I explain to her how I simply can't accept the love that she is more than willingly to give me? How do I explain to her how I feel that I have no right to happiness of any kind not while I let Luke down and can't even bring his killer to justice? Nine years and I still can't get past this. I just don't wanna drag her down with me. I don't wanna diminish her spirit even an iota. I don't want Luke's death to come between us as it has between Barbara and I.   
  
Maybe, maybe if I could move past this, I could let Monica in and love her as I always have loved her, as she has always loved me. Maybe then we could both be happy.  
  
I know I don't deserve a second chance, to say all the things I should have said to her. What frightens me is that Monica might die here and never know, never truly know how I feel about her. I took her for granted in thinking that she's always be there.  
  
I wish I would have kissed her cause then the memory of her kiss would still be lingering on my lips right now. If I had driven her home... If I had invited her in.... If I had kissed her.... If I had told her that I loved her.... If... If... If... I'm tossing on a sea of regrets and what might have been's.  
  
"I love you, Monica," I whisper into her ear as I plant a gentle kiss on her still warm cheek. I only hope that she can hear me wherever she is and find her way back to me. Cause I'm gonna be here waitin' until she does.  
  
The End  
  
"The miserable have no other medicine but only hope."-Shakespeare-"Measure For Measure"  
  
"Footfalls echo in the memory/Down the passage we did not take/Towards the door we never opened/Into the rose-garden."-T.S. Eliot-"Four Quartets"  
  
"Doubt thou the stars are fire,/Doubt that the sun doth move;/Doubt truth to be a liar,/But never doubt I love."-Shakespeare-"Hamlet" 


End file.
